Somewhere in the first years after I created this online space, I read some thoughts by someone I admired. Five years on, I don’t remember her name, but her words have stayed with me all this time. She wrote that whenever she wanted to eat something she would always make it from scratch. No matter how much time it would take. And if this meant she had to wait for days or weeks before she could give into a craving because she needed to create a sourdough starter or ferment something, she did. I loved this idea so much that I started implementing it into my own life as much as possible. And since I had to make a lot of my food myself to accommodate my food intolerances, it wasn’t too far from the path I was already on.

By now, I completely let go of this notion of making everything myself from scratch – although this is more forced by circumstance than choice. But when I roam through my pantry I’m still confronted with all the ingredients I bought for all the recipes I never made. And while looking at them, I hear her words in my head. But instead of admiring her, I wonder why she chose to live this way. Because when I look back to the moment I decided I never wanted to eat packaged food again, I see a young woman whose life was slowly falling apart. My calendar was too full with a full-time master’s, travelling across the country for classes two times a week, probably having a job (or two, but I can’t remember), being active in my church community, trying to have a social life, travelling – a lot, and living together with my boyfriend and our bunnies. And while this might not sound ridiculous for a twenty-something, try adding in unmanaged ADhD and a long list of food intolerances. It was too much. And I only noticed it when my university counsellor asked me how I was doing, and I truly didn’t know. Looking back, wanting to make all my food from scratch was a way for me to keep control over a life that was ruled by the commitments I made.

And through everything that happened in the following years, making my food from scratch did help me feel in control. At least in this little slice of my life. But then I had to let go because I became so ill that I was no longer able to take care of myself. For the past year or so, Matthijs has cooked most of our meals on top of everything he already did in our household and a full-time job. And saying that cooking is not his favourite hobby is an understatement. But he manages, and slowly I’m getting to a place where I can help him again, and sometimes I even cook by myself. And now, when I roam through our pantry and come across some ingredient that once had a special purpose, I remember my old self and smile. Because what a tough broad she was. Trying to keep herself together amidst everything that was going on in her life.

And then I’m also a little sad for her. Because she created impossible standards to live by. Because honestly, why would you force yourself to make sourdough bread, when you hate – yes genuinely hate with every fibre of your being – the feeling of dough on your skin, and keeping a sourdough starter alive brings you close to a nervous breakdown? And that’s what I made myself do. I felt like a failure when I used store-bought tortilla wraps, tomato salsa, and even mayonnaise. And I don’t even like homemade mayonnaise. So what was I doing to myself?

I was trying to keep control. And I was excellent at it. But in the end, it’s a good thing I had to let go because this was not a life. So this time around, while I’m learning how to take care of myself again, I do buy the store-bought tortilla wraps and spice pastes and bread. Because it takes a lot of stress out of my daily life. And when your body is failing you regularly, you learn that living a low-stress life is the best thing you can give yourself. And that might mean you can’t do everything yourself. And I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to. You’re allowed to accept a little help. Even if that help arrives in the form of store-bought convenience foods. There’s truly nothing wrong with that. So give yourself a break and let go of the things and thoughts that no longer serve you. Your life will be so much better for it.